Three-Kid Update

I have to make some time to write more than one blog a month, but so much is happening with us right now and has been for the past year or so that in all frankness, I just run out of time.  So if you are a faithful reader (which means that you are likely a family member), I apologize that I have not kept you up to date with more details lately about where we are and what is happening.

I think I can speak for both Kim and I when I say that regarding the challenges that we have had over the past two years with both of our sons, we are in a pretty good spot right now.  As you may already know, Zachary was sworn into the U.S. Marine Reserves yesterday and he heads off to boot camp on May 7, 2012.  As a parent and in light of recent news stories about soldier activities in Afghanistan, I will always be concerned for his welfare as he pursues this endeavor, but deep down I think it is the right thing for him to do in his life right now.  This will certainly get him started better than anything I can do and I think he will get so much out of the structure, discipline, and opportunity.  That is how I feel today, but I know when he gets deployed at some point (which is inevitable) I may think differently.  Now I tell myself that Zachary is a smart kid with a good head on his shoulders.  He won't be dumb enough to stick his head up out of the foxhole when the enemy is firing!  But then I remember how hard it is sometimes to get him to stop and listen to direction.  Will he ignore an order because he wasn't paying attention that will put him harms way?  I hope basic training teaches him this focus!

Dylan on the other hand has completed his 7 weeks of rehabilitation and is now housed in a very structured sober house in Derry, New Hampshire.  He got a great deal out of the rehabilitation but even he recognizes that he still struggles to identify and properly react to triggers that in the past would have led him to smoke.  Dylan is still a very young 21, and he is still impetuous and reactionary.  He has a lot to learn still about being an adult and making decisions that make sense and that won't get him in trouble and I think he is in the right spot now to help transition him to life without drugs.

We picked Dylan up from Rehab on March 7 and he was able to spend March 8 and 9 at home with us.  To celebrate his 21st Birthday last Thursday, He and I went to the Casino to have some fun.  We played video Blackjack and Poker, Texas Hold 'em, Craps, Roulette, and the slot machines until we lost all of our cash, then we went and had dinner together.  After dinner we walked around together and smoked a cigar until it was time to leave.  It was great night that I will cherish forever.

On Friday, Kim and I drove with Dylan to the sober house and dropped him off.  Once again it was hard to hold back tears for all of us as we drove away, but this is the right thing for him right now.  Initially Dylan was looking at a sober house in Norwich to move into after rehab but after some research we realized that the house he was looking at had no structure and would surely have led to some trouble for him.  With help from Kristin and Carol (more about that later) we found this very structured and highly regarded program in NH and were able to get him into it quickly as a bed just happened to open-up (see my blog posting about Karma)!

The program at this house is designed in three phases and each participant has to complete each phase before moving to the next.  The total program can and will likely take 6 to 8 months.  In Phase I Dylan will develop a daily life structure that will include group session and individual counseling work, physical activities including daily visits to a local Gym; he will get a 12-step sponsor; and practice yoga.  Other than trips to AA meetings, the Gym, and other activities that they do as a group, he will be restricted to the house.

In Phase II, with approval he is allowed to come and go as he pleases.  He will continue his group and individual counseling and the focus for him will be on learning life skills, finding a job or taking classes and doing community service.  In Phase III, he moves to an independent living house that is next door to the sober house and he learns self sufficiency.  All the while he is sharing this experience with 30 other men who are just like he is (between the ages of 18 - 30 and fighting addiction) and the program is run completely by recovering addicts who know what he is going through.  In addition to the work that he has to do to succeed in this program, they have group fun activities for him to look forward to as well including, paintball tournaments every other week, ski and camping trips, and golf trips.

Here is a link to the houses web site if you would like for information:


The Granite House

Many have offered financial support during these hard times for us as well and frankly making this all work has been a tremendous struggle.  Insurance only covers a portion of the cost of rehab and an even smaller portion of the cost of the sober house program.  Our out of pocket costs on average including food, are the equivalent of another small monthly mortgage that we are paying for with cash so as not to increase our debt.  Additionally, Dylan has been unemployed since this summer, he has amassed a huge amount of debt of his own and he has pawned or sold all of his possessions.  We have found a way to afford all the rehab bills and the sober house bills including his weekly meal plan and he is collecting unemployment compensation now that is helping to pay these bills each month but frankly it is a struggle, but I think we can make it work.

If you still want to help, Dylan needs cash for incidentals until he is gainfully employed and using his income to support his weekly living expenses.  The house keeps money in an envelope, in a safe for him and they go to Walmart weekly.  His meal plan covers lunch and dinner and he is expected buy foods for breakfast, beverages, snacks and health and beauty needs.  He needs money at times also to pay for the extra curricular activities like camping and skiing.  We will be sending him care packages periodically and including some cash that the house can use to replenish that envelope the we gave him when we dropped him off.  I will send the house a check from my bank because they have a branch office down the road so Dylan can cash it.  So if you want to send him anything including money or stuff, send it to me and I will send it to the house.

I don't want to forget about Emily.  The real benefit of having her in a place where there are less than 20 kids in her entire grade is that when she starts to slip or get disengaged, she never falls through the cracks.  We noticed, at the same time as the Nun that she has befriended noticed, that she was starting to slack on homework and effort, that she seemed down and that the pressures of everything were getting to her.  She no doubt is effected heavily by what is happening with Dylan and the stress of that on her sometimes weighs heavy.  We all recognized it and have worked to make sure she gets the attention and focus that she needs and deserves.  I hope so much that she survives this ordeal but we need to stay focused on her always.

That's it for now.

The American Dream is Dying

I am optimistic about the boys! Let me start there because I know it has been a while since my last post.

Number 1 has a couple of weeks left of inpatient rehab and we have been able to visit him for a couple of hours every Saturday for the last few weeks.  It started off very roughly!  After the first two weeks in the program he made the decision to leave the house, walk to a local gas station and buy K2 (synthetic weed).  I can say that after that weekend I was not feeling very optimistic, but ever since then our visits have been better.  I saw in his eyes this past weekend a glimmer that had not been there in a very long time.  He talked about some thoughts that he had about the future, I hadn't heard him talk like that in a very long time.  I am ever the optimist but I do hope and pray that he has changed.  That the drugs that previously controlled his life and caused him to lose his passion and desire have released him.  That he comes home in a few weeks like the boy we sent to college.

Number 1 being away has been an incredible relief for the whole family because it has allowed us to move on with our lives.  I've talked before about how hard it was for me to sit back and watch my sons waste away and sink deeper into hell.  Now it feels like he is getting the help that he needs and the rest of us are healing ourselves, our feelings, and our relationship.  The time apart combined with the elimination of drugs has done wonders for Number 2.  He is spirited and driven to find solutions for his life.  He helps around the house without being asked and goes beyond just normal chores everyday.  He is a pleasure to be around!  He has made the decision to join the Marine Reserves and I could not be more proud of him, not because he is joining the Marines, I think that is very noble and honorable and as flag waving American, I am proud to be a potential Marine father.  But my pride comes from the fact that he has made this decision on his own after fully weighing the pros and cons and with a great deal of thought about what it will mean for him in the long run.  I am really pulling for him to get through the on-boarding process without them finding something that will preclude him from joining.  Apparently they are very picky these days.

It feels like we are healing and moving forward as a family and I hope it continues.

The one thing that has been stuck in my head through this whole thing has been the "how did this happen to us" question.  I know I raised good kids and provided everything that they could want in live.  I know they were always treated well, they were never mistreated or neglected.  I know they were taught right from wrong and understood the ramifications of their actions and held accountable.  What went wrong?  As I have asked over and over again in my mind.  I've questioned if I am responsible for this, did I do something to cause this to happen?  But I think I am starting to figure it out.

In the past few months so much has happened and I have had a great deal of time for thought.  I read an article that talked about the time in a child's life that a parent has to really impact their behaviors and personality and really we only have until that child reaches school age before other influences impact.  Up to that point it is only the parents that can teach and the child is like a sponge.  They learn to watch what other people do and then do the same thing.  We then send them off to school thinking that they have all the skills that they need to succeed in the company of other kids.  Kids that were taught differently by their parents. Parents that don't think the way we do or don't believe what we believe.  They are still sponges at that age and suddenly they are thrown into this new "learning" environment where they are still modeling behavior around what they see and what they learn from other kids.  Regardless of what you have taught them to that point in life they will no doubt be heavily influenced by what they see and do outside the house and with their peers.


We live in a different environment today then we did when I was a kid.  We have created a country in which everyone is allowed to try and fail at everything, and inevitably when they fail our society now coddles and accepts that failure instead of encouraging improvement, greater effort, and harder work.  Our society allows people to make major life altering mistakes without accountability and it all starts in school and everywhere outside the house.
 

• Kids are allowed multiple attempts at homework and tests just so they pass.  In the end they don't pass because they've learned the material, they pass because the standards are lowered to assure no one fails. 
• If you are caught in my state with less than an ounce of marijuana its is a slap on the wrist, a fine and no mark on your permanent record.  The message we are sending to our kids is that yes it is illegal but not "seriously" illegal. 
• Everyone makes the sports team now.  Their are no tryouts, no cuts.  This has taught our kids that excellence is no longer important.  That no one has the right to be better at something then you and that you don't have to work hard to improve.
• You can bring a child into this world without ramifications.  Put it up for adoption; or have the baby and then the government will take care of you.  There is no penalty, no limitation on benefits, no accountability.  In many cases their are incentives for single mothers to continue to have children as it allows for continuation and increase in benefits.
• If you are terminated from a job due to poor performance, tardiness or absenteeism, or even more serious offenses the government will pay you to stay home for 99 weeks!
• If you crash your car into someone else because you were sending a text message your insurance will settle with the other drivers insurance and other than a modest increase in your cost you will see no other repercussions.
• If you can't pay your bills, file for bankruptcy and the debt will disappear.
• On top of this, many parents have stopped holding their kids accountable for their behavior. Instead they fight for them when they are clearly wrong; they assume that they are always doing the right things; they never follow-up or double check to see what they are doing and with whom; they no longer parent.

So now kids grow-up with a sense of entitlement.  They think the world owes them something and they should be getting it.  They have no desire to work hard for anything and assume that if they have a need it will be met.


As a society built on individual freedoms, it is shocking to me how easily we have allowed the government to take them from us.  I am not talking about the right to own a gun, practice religion, or free-speech, I am talking about basic life freedom.  A hundred years ago the government could not survive without us.  We allowed the government to exist because we recognized the need for an organized approach to national security in the global environment and the need for law and order.  Now we can't survive without the government.  They tell us when to wear seat belts; make us pay extra taxes when we want to do something to ourselves that they deem is dangerous; take a large portion of our pay and spread it out to the "less fortunate" (or too lazy); tell us what we can and can't eat; tell us where we can and can't go; tell us what we can and can't watch on TV, and so on.  There is no end in sight for this, we are slowly headed towards a complete socialistic society in which no one can get ahead with extra effort because everybody shares everything.  This will surely promulgate mediocrity; drive down desire and patriotism; and eliminate the idea of an "American Dream".  If no one can get ahead, why try?  If I can't make life better for me and my family because I am willing to put in the extra hours to make more money or start a business why should I?


How can a caring parent fight all these influences with any hope for happiness?  Watching the news recently, I am sure you saw the story about the father who posted a video on You Tube where he filled his 15-year old daughter's laptop full of bullets because she posted a letter on Facebook ranting about how her parents made her do chores and expected her to find a job.  Like my kids, this fathers daughter is thankless.  She does not know what he does for her and assumes she is entitled to the roof over her head; the food in her stomach; the electricity; cable television; wifi; laptop; cellphone; iPod; etc.  She isn't!  As parents we are legally required to provide for the basic needs of our children and nothing more.  We do everything else out of love and out of a hope that our kids will have more than we did.


I watched the news this morning as Dr. Phil proclaimed that although the father in the laptop shooting video was not wrong for taking a drastic step to get the message through to his daughter, he may have gone over the top with this treatment because he has "nowhere else to go from here".  "What happens if she doesn't change her behavior, what do you do next, set fire to her bedroom"?  Although I think shooting the girls laptop was a bit extreme and posting the video on the Internet for everyone that she knows to see was not the right thing to do, because as a parent you have to set the example of model behavior, I do not agree with Dr. Phil that this was extreme.  I feel for the father because I know what he is going through.  I am certain that he has used socially acceptable methods of punishment to improve her behavior and I am certain, as in the case with my kids, that she still continues to do what she wants outside and inside the house.  Although he is trying hard to get the situation under control, everything she has learned in our society today tells her that she is in the right.  The influences of her friends and government supported entitlement far outweigh her father's punishment.


In the end all I can hope is that my kids survive the next few years of their lives without getting mentally or physically harmed.  Maybe when they are a little older it will all start to make sense to them and they will snap out of it.  When and if that day comes, I will happily send them out into the world knowing that they will survive.  But until then I will continue to encourage them; continue to provide guidance; and continue to support them.

The Crying Game!

I am tired of crying.  I believe that I am more emotional than most men because sappy movies get to me, but as an adult I don't believe that I have cried more then ten times because of sadness or joy.  I am 46 years old which means that I have been an adult for 28 years and in those years I cried when each of my kids were born; I cried when both my grandmothers and my grandfather died; I cried when Kim's dad passed; I cried when Kim and I had to give away our Basset Hound Abercrombie and when our Lab Sadie was put down; I cried when both the boys graduated from high school and when we dropped my oldest off at college; and I think those were only times until now.  I've cried more in the past 6-weeks than in those 28-years.

Today I cried while I held my oldest son tight in my arms and told him how much I loved him and how I was so proud of him for asking for help and going to rehab.  I dropped my oldest son off for 5-weeks of inpatient drug and alcohol rehabilitation today and it was one of the hardest days of my life.  I love him so much that it hurts me when he hurts.  When I look at him now I see the little boy he was 15 years ago, so innocent and so lost, and I struggle to understand how we got to this point.  What did I do that caused this to happen?  I am the dad and I am supposed to protect him from this kind of harm.

I have always expected my sons to be good people, to make good decisions, own their mistakes and learn from them, to be honest, and to complete tasks or a job beyond expectations.  These expectations come from good intentions.  I want them to have everything in life that they want and to not struggle to survive and I know that the people in this world who work the hardest, who are the most trustworthy, and who are dedication and committed, are the most successful.  Did I set the bar so high that they could never reach it? 

Thankfully though, It feels like we are all on the road to recovery and I am so grateful for our family who has been here to support us all.  Kristin and Mom, we would not be where we are today without you.  You have been there everyday to help us navigate the red tape and to try to make sense of what has been happening.  Pop and Betty, we know you will always be there for us and having you in our lives means so much to both of us.  And to everyone who helped us get through the holidays, Diane, Bob, Melanie and Scott, Eric and Christina, Eric and Stephanie, Kyle, McKay, Taylor, Alex, Madison, thank you all so much!  You made a very difficult time bearable!

I had to get somethings off my chest tonight so I know today's blog is nothing short of depressing.  The old me that liked to find the funny in life and write about it is still here and a day will come shortly when I am able to write blog posts that are "the old me", but for now thank you for listening to my dark side!

The Saga Continues

As parents we have a vision in our minds of what our children will grow to be. Every decision we make; every time we punish; every time we hug; and every ounce of our attention is given in the hopes that our kids will find happiness in life. We enter into parenthood so easily but without really knowing what the job entails. I manage over 100 million dollars in business with over 5,000 employees and nothing is as hard in my work life as parenting has been. The pain that comes with watching a child try something and fail, or not realize a dream tears at your sole. When things don't go the way we envision they should, we start to second guess everything. Should I have noticed an issue earlier; should I have gotten them help earlier; was I too demanding of them; did I treat them fairly? We want for our children what we never had and this is the driving force behind how we parent. No decisions are made for bad reasons, we only ever want good and happiness.

 

My wife and I have to remember also that for our sons the decisions to do the things that they have done were not made to be mean or with a preconceived idea to hurt us. There decisions and there actions come from the need to feel better inside and to feel better about there lives. I know that they hurt inside, or at least I know that about number 1. He had dreams and desires and when he was in High School nothing would get in his way of those dreams. He changed when he went to college and he came home with a huge gaping hole inside that we have spent the last two-years trying to fill. I fear that number 2 on the other hand has some psychological issues that he has never been willing to deal with. We tried to get him some help on several occasions and it seemed to help but he fought it and we did not push hard enough. We should have pushed.

 

It doesn't help that today's pot is what it is. I've read articles and seen some news reports about the strength of marijuana these days and what it is doing to our kids, and it is alarming! I know it would be hypocritical of me to take the position that no one should smoke as I used to smoke myself, but something needs to be done. They say pot is not addicting but I have watched as my two sons have pawned there valuables; broken rules and the law to get money; lied, cheated and stolen; and destroyed our family just to get high. Getting high for me was always an extra bonus on Friday or Saturday nights with a few drinks to enhance the fun and that was the way it was for everyone I knew. For them and everyone they know it is a daily need. In number 1's own words, they need to get high to feel normal. It is at the point of epidemic in our town and it seems to be for all of there generation. I routinely see college kids smoking in cars and on corners on college campuses in the middle of the day, before class, etc. It has become a way of life for them and for that reason I think it is different from alcohol. My thinking is that marijuana should be legalized if for no other reason but to control the drugs strength and availability.

 

When number 2's legal issues started and number 1 failed out of college these were pretty public problems so much of our family and even some friends knew, but we still made efforts to hide the severity of it all. It is embarrassing for these things to happen and you wonder what other people will think. We have close friends who have twin sons who are number 2's age and they have had very similar issues with them both. These are good people with two older kids, a son who went to Harvard on a full scholarship and a daughter who is in Medical school at Duke. This helps me realize that maybe it is not always about how they were brought up. It has been very helpful to write my blog also, because I can write things that I cannot say. It has been very helpful also to have family support from everyone.

 

I am not a religious person and I think more from a realistic rather than theoretical perspective. I do however believe that everything happens for a reason not because I think that some higher being doles out reward for good behavior like candy, but more because I think making good choices makes you feel better inside and allows the people around you to feel better, and positive thought begets more positive thought. That said, I do believe that in many ways I have enabled my sons to continue to make bad choices. I constantly tried to solve there problems for them, always bailed them out, and rarely followed through on my threats of more severe repercussions. In the end I think good will come from our decision to let them go. One of two things will happen, they will either continue to slide down hill until they hit rock bottom and need my help again or they will use what I taught them for 20-years to survive and eventually thrive. If they come running back I will be there to help but with new rules. If they don't I will be happy that they figured it out.

 

Number 1 came by today to get his clothes (and shoes, apparently I threw him out without his shoes on).  They are staying with a friend and number 2 has been going to school and his new job.  Number 1 says he is going to find work so he can pay off his debt and get back on his feet.  I hope he does.  I feel a little guilty because I have had this huge sense of relief since Sunday.  Partially because I finally took a stand against there behavior and also because I don't have to come home everyday to see them wasted while life passes them by.  I still worry but it's not staring me in the face and I feel like I am finally moving forward again!  

The Hardest Day of My Life as Father

Nothing prepares you for this! There is no class or education; no online course or adult learning offered by the town; and no books or magazines. The day that your child is born is the most incredible day of your life and from that day forward you live in almost constant fear that the decisions that you are making while you raise that child will be the wrong decisions. You second guess everything you do and you constantly hope that your child will be okay. When my eldest son graduated from High School, he was full of opportunity, ambition, and hope. As this was the first child of ours to graduate, I was full of fear of the unknown for him; trepidation because I did not know if he was ready for the world; and in some ways, satisfaction because I felt I had raised a good and honest young man.

On that day I gave him a letter that I had written to tell him how proud I was of him. I wanted him to know how hard it is to be a father and that I was hopeful that even though I had made mistakes, in my mind he was prepared to be a man. I reread that letter this morning after what was the most difficult day as a father of my life and I want to share some of it now.

"I remember when you finally came into this world, the Doctor was concerned about your breathing, so we didn’t get to hold you right away. I was afraid for you in that brief moment while we waited for them to check you out and give you a thumbs-up. Then you were ours! Your mother held you and wept. Then she called grandma and couldn’t speak so she put me on the phone to tell her that you had arrived and that everyone was okay.

It was early morning and the sun was shining, it was a beautiful winter day. I could not stay with you and mom anymore so I got in my car and drove home. I got about two miles from the hospital and this overwhelming sense of relieve and joy overcame me at that moment. I started to cry. I cried because I was so happy that you and mom were okay; I cried because I was relieved; I cried because I was excited about watching you grow up; I cried because the built up anticipation of that moment was too much for me to bear. You were here! The people in passing cars stared at me; they must have thought that I was a nut case.

In my opinion, that is the moment in my life when I became a man. Having a new born baby is a huge responsibility and it causes you to look at life differently. I became more serious, more driven, more focused on my career. I wanted more than anything else to be able to provide for you and mom and to be able to give you everything in life. They say that life’s lessons never stop. I have learned so much because I became a father. There is no rule book, no instruction book, and no code of behavior. You have to learn on the fly and I learned by trial and error. I made tons of mistakes and I got some things right, but you have become the man that I wanted you to become and I am so proud of you!"

In that letter I gave him a long list of life's little instructions. Things that people don't tell you or that you can easily forget; things that are important in life and how to handle yourself as an adult. To say the very least I was hopeful and optimistic about him although still concerned as a father. I closed the letter to him with the following:

"As I put this list together I realized that you may not understand some of this advice because it’s not relevant to you now. Times will come in your life when items on this list will become relevant and I am hopeful that you will refer back to these things for guidance. I’ve accepted that you need me less and less these days, but always remember that I will be there for you if you need me.

On August 16, 2009 you will leave our home for the first time and live on your own. It has been hard for me to accept that the past 18 years have gone by so fast and that you are now an adult. I am scared that the world will overwhelm you and that I have not prepared you well enough, but I think these fears are natural. Deep down in my heart I know how strong you are and I know how prepared you are for life.

Attack life with reckless abandon and leave your mark on the world!"

When my second son graduated from High School this past June I gave him a similar letter. I am not foolish enough to think that my letters, words, discussions, guidance, direction, and general parenting would always keep them from harm or provide them with the sense to always do the right thing. People make mistakes and I make mistakes, I can't control the decisions that they make when I am not around nor can I control how other people impact them. Nevertheless, I have always remained optimistic that the way I raised them would guide them towards making good decisions or at least help them learn from the mistakes that they make.

In both the letters to my sons I told them that I would always be there for them. Yesterday I had to break that promise because I had to ask them to leave my house. Their behavior has had serious and detrimental impact on me, my wife, my daughter, our jobs, and our lives. I still don't know for sure and I may never know if I've made the right decision.  

Two years ago my eldest son went off to college and my wife and I were gleaming with hope and pride. Today he has a serious drug problem; he is unemployed; he has no direction in life or desire to do anything productive with himself; he is as lost today as he was when he was two-years old. Now it has come to light that his younger brother is not only as deep into the drugs (and possibly deeper), but he may in fact be the driving force behind his brothers inability to get himself straight. Number 2 has always been the leader and number 1 follows him through everything. While we were working with number 1 to try to get him straight, number 2 was sabotaging our efforts.

We have been told that they have to reach rock bottom before they will make a change. After the incident yesterday with the boys and after I kicked them out, we called the police to insure that they had some record of the issue and that they could keep an eye out for them. As I explained to the trooper everything that we have done to try to help the boys, rehab, legal help, counseling, environmental control, etc., he assured my wife and I that we had exhausted our options and that we probably allowed the behavior to go on too long before finally taking a more drastic step. He also said that maybe being without a place to life, food, or money will be enough to force a change in their behavior. I still think even though they now have no place to live two-weeks before Christmas that they are a long way from rock-bottom.  None of the support is reassuring.

To this day neither one of them thinks that anything is wrong! They think the drug use is no big deal and that even society deems smoking Marijuana as a minor infraction. If they get caught they will just get a ticket (as number 2 puts it)! What they don't see is that for both of them it is not recreational use, it has become a way of life. Number 1 has spent every penny he has made over the last two-years on drugs and alcohol. They both get stoned everyday, not to have fun or to party but to get through the day. They continue to bring drugs into my house even though I have told them that they will not be allowed to live here if they continue to break the rules. I have even threatened to call the police to have them arrested when they are in possession.

They don't see what this has done to our family and I need to protect my wife, daughter and I. I have no idea what the next few days or weeks will bring for us. I am hopeful that this step is the start of a new positive beginning for them both, but I am more concerned that rock bottom doesn't hit until one of them is dead or in jail.

Parenthood The Movie

My wife and I watched a movie when it came out in 1989 - 1990 called Parenthood staring Steve Martin.  The story revolves around four adult siblings, there individual families and the challenges of life as a parent.  Each siblings lot in life is individual and the situation that they find themselves trying to survive in the movie are distinctly different.  I was in a much different parental position back then (I can't remember if son #1 was born yet but if he wasn't he was on his way) compared with today and my ability to relate to the main character was difficult.  Now 21 years later I can clearly relate to both the main character, Steve Martin and his parents who have multiple kids with different troubles but in the end all they hope for is that each of them will find happiness.

I've seen the movie recently so I've had an opportunity to reconnect to the characters and to think about the movies messaging.  The most illuminating message for me really comes to a head at the end of the movie when the Steve Martin character, Gil, is watching his young daughter in a school play and his even younger son climbs on stage to protect his sister, when at a point in the play he feels she is threatened and then all hell breaks loose.  Gil starts to panic as his son starts to tear apart the stage set and suddenly you hear the sound of a Roller Coaster clicking away as if climbing the track towards the precipice.  Eventually the Roller Coaster sound reaches the top, crests, and then begins it's sudden drop to the bottom!  As it falls and twists you see Gil rolling and shifting in his seat as if he were on the Roller Coaster.  The look on Gil's face as he watches this disaster unfold in front of him is one of shear terror.  He glances to his wife seated next to him and sees that she is laughing and enjoying the ride.

The message that is very clear to me now and that has so much more meaning for me now than 21 years ago is that life is a Roller Coaster and you can either choose to sit back and enjoy the ride or not, but you can't control it.  I believe people are predisposed to either enjoy the ride or to fret over every detail and problem that life throws at you.  In the movie, Gil was not capable of just accepting the way things are.  He second guessed every decision he made; and he was constantly worried.  Gil's wife on the other hand was enjoying the ride in every was possible.  To her, life was about the ride and the experience that the ride provided.

Now here is my problem, my wife and I are both Gil's!  We have a tendency to lose sleep over the challenges presented to us in our lives and we react poorly to tough situations.  Don't get me wrong, the last two years of our lives together have been no picnic.  Two years ago we both were in a great spot with health and our weight loss journey; our oldest son was in college; son #2 was in High School, our daughter was in private school and they were all thriving; our relationship was stronger than ever; I enjoyed my job and our financial situation was very solid.

Today both sons are unemployed; #1 has no aspirations after failing out of college twice, was fired from his last job because he took money for drugs, and is in drug and alcohol rehab; #2 drove my wife's car into the ground and the money that he saved to buy himself a car, we had to use to pay for a lawyer to get him out of trouble, so he has no way to get back and forth to anywhere including school or a job.  I took a promotion a year and a half ago that I don't like the new job because it puts me on the road several days a week (overnight) and because of business challenges driven by the economy, I actually have earned less in the last two years.  My wife's business has dropped significantly as well, as a result of the economy, so it is hard for us to stay on top of the family debt, and my wife and I rarely spend time together.

With all that and much more this Roller Coaster ride lately has felt more like a death ride spinning out of control and has not been much fun.  But I know that I control my own happiness and that only I can allow myself to get down about all this.  I have a lot to be thankful for including my health and the health of my family, a loving wife, opportunity, and people around me who love me.

There are so many people out there who have much tougher challenges than I do and many of them seem to be happy.  In the grand scheme of things it all amounts to the life equivalency of a hangnail and I know that.  But it's my hangnail and sometimes it hurts like hell.  I need to work on enjoying the Roller Coaster ride.  I know well that if I focus on the bad things, then I will miss the good things!

Oh God of Gadgets Be Good to Thine!

Scientifically speaking, gravity is a bitch!  Gravity is a force of nature that we just learn to deal with in our daily lives and although at times gravity is a good thing; as a person who enjoys the game of golf I can tell you that the game is so much easier when the ball eventually lands on the ground rather than continues into the stratosphere after I hit it!  But the realities of gravity mean that occasionally it will bite you in the ass, or at the least cause your ass to sag when you reach a certain age.  Nonetheless, like gravity there are forces that I can't control in life, some are proven scientific theories like gravity and some are more religious theory like Karma.

Karma is described in Indian Religions as the concept of "action" or "deed", understood as that which causes the entire cycle of cause and effect originating in ancient India and treated in Hindu and Buddhist philosophies.  I do not practice Hinduism or Buddhism, but as I grow older I subscribe more to the idea that making positive decisions and doing positive things has a positive effect on my future.  I do not believe that a higher being exists that keeps a ledger of good and bad and that based on the running total of my behavior he/she doles out good things like candy.  But I do think that when you make good choices and behave positively your mindset becomes more positive and with a positive mindset, inherently more positive things happen to you.

Okay so given that, I think I am mostly a good person.  If the size of the proverbial angel on one shoulder and devil on the other is a key indicator of a persons relative goodness or badness, my angel would be much larger than my devil.  In fact I think my angel could kick my devil's ass in a fair fight!Not to say that I don't have a devilish streak (just ask my wife), but I usually make decisions that are not selfish; I am considerate of everyone around me; and I always trying to do the right thing.

It seems however, that my Karma ledger has more bad than good on it of late.  Not sure why, but I seem to have hit a streak of nasty over the last few months.  I am not sure how to classify this nastiness either because my bad luck has come almost entirely mechanically.  In other words, all the mechanical things around me seem to be self destructing.  In the past six months I have lost a flat screen TV, a dishwasher, a refrigerator, a washing machine, and my wife's car has needed repair work that has cost more than $3K.  How do you explain all this?  It could just be that appliances and automobiles are crap these days.  It seems they make them now so that you have to replace them every five years (all my appliances are five-years old or less because they were purchased new when we built our house), or it could be that the Karma god of all things mechanical, I'll call him the Gadget God, is pissed at me!

These mechanical challenges coupled with the other current life challenges that I have discussed (work, health, and kids) at times is overwhelming.  I need to change my Karma so I have to change my behavior towards mechanical things and try to appeal to the god of all gadgets.  So now before I go to bed each night I repeat the following prayer in an effort to change my Mechanical Karma:

Our Fathers in Silicone Valley and Detroit,
hallowed be your name.
Your gears and bytes come,
your mechanisms will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily conveniences,
and forgive us our laziness,
as we also have forgiven our ineptness.
And lead us not into electronic darkness,
but deliver us from Sears

This ought to work, but if not I have the fortune cookie message that I got this week to fall back on.  It said "Your luck will completely change this week" and this happened the same day that I found a quarter in a parking lot!  Nothing can stop me now, unless my car dies!