Number 1 has a couple of weeks left of inpatient rehab and we have been able to visit him for a couple of hours every Saturday for the last few weeks. It started off very roughly! After the first two weeks in the program he made the decision to leave the house, walk to a local gas station and buy K2 (synthetic weed). I can say that after that weekend I was not feeling very optimistic, but ever since then our visits have been better. I saw in his eyes this past weekend a glimmer that had not been there in a very long time. He talked about some thoughts that he had about the future, I hadn't heard him talk like that in a very long time. I am ever the optimist but I do hope and pray that he has changed. That the drugs that previously controlled his life and caused him to lose his passion and desire have released him. That he comes home in a few weeks like the boy we sent to college.
Number 1 being away has been an incredible relief for the whole family because it has allowed us to move on with our lives. I've talked before about how hard it was for me to sit back and watch my sons waste away and sink deeper into hell. Now it feels like he is getting the help that he needs and the rest of us are healing ourselves, our feelings, and our relationship. The time apart combined with the elimination of drugs has done wonders for Number 2. He is spirited and driven to find solutions for his life. He helps around the house without being asked and goes beyond just normal chores everyday. He is a pleasure to be around! He has made the decision to join the Marine Reserves and I could not be more proud of him, not because he is joining the Marines, I think that is very noble and honorable and as flag waving American, I am proud to be a potential Marine father. But my pride comes from the fact that he has made this decision on his own after fully weighing the pros and cons and with a great deal of thought about what it will mean for him in the long run. I am really pulling for him to get through the on-boarding process without them finding something that will preclude him from joining. Apparently they are very picky these days.
It feels like we are healing and moving forward as a family and I hope it continues.
The one thing that has been stuck in my head through this whole thing has been the "how did this happen to us" question. I know I raised good kids and provided everything that they could want in live. I know they were always treated well, they were never mistreated or neglected. I know they were taught right from wrong and understood the ramifications of their actions and held accountable. What went wrong? As I have asked over and over again in my mind. I've questioned if I am responsible for this, did I do something to cause this to happen? But I think I am starting to figure it out.
In the past few months so much has happened and I have had a great deal of time for thought. I read an article that talked about the time in a child's life that a parent has to really impact their behaviors and personality and really we only have until that child reaches school age before other influences impact. Up to that point it is only the parents that can teach and the child is like a sponge. They learn to watch what other people do and then do the same thing. We then send them off to school thinking that they have all the skills that they need to succeed in the company of other kids. Kids that were taught differently by their parents. Parents that don't think the way we do or don't believe what we believe. They are still sponges at that age and suddenly they are thrown into this new "learning" environment where they are still modeling behavior around what they see and what they learn from other kids. Regardless of what you have taught them to that point in life they will no doubt be heavily influenced by what they see and do outside the house and with their peers.
We live in a different environment today then we did when I was a kid. We have created a country in which everyone is allowed to try and fail at everything, and inevitably when they fail our society now coddles and accepts that failure instead of encouraging improvement, greater effort, and harder work. Our society allows people to make major life altering mistakes without accountability and it all starts in school and everywhere outside the house.
- Kids are allowed multiple attempts at homework and tests just so they pass. In the end they don't pass because they've learned the material, they pass because the standards are lowered to assure no one fails.
- If you are caught in my state with less than an ounce of marijuana its is a slap on the wrist, a fine and no mark on your permanent record. The message we are sending to our kids is that yes it is illegal but not "seriously" illegal.
- Everyone makes the sports team now. Their are no tryouts, no cuts. This has taught our kids that excellence is no longer important. That no one has the right to be better at something then you and that you don't have to work hard to improve.
- You can bring a child into this world without ramifications. Put it up for adoption; or have the baby and then the government will take care of you. There is no penalty, no limitation on benefits, no accountability. In many cases their are incentives for single mothers to continue to have children as it allows for continuation and increase in benefits.
- If you are terminated from a job due to poor performance, tardiness or absenteeism, or even more serious offenses the government will pay you to stay home for 99 weeks!
- If you crash your car into someone else because you were sending a text message your insurance will settle with the other drivers insurance and other than a modest increase in your cost you will see no other repercussions.
- If you can't pay your bills, file for bankruptcy and the debt will disappear.
- On top of this, many parents have stopped holding their kids accountable for their behavior. Instead they fight for them when they are clearly wrong; they assume that they are always doing the right things; they never follow-up or double check to see what they are doing and with whom; they no longer parent.
So now kids grow-up with a sense of entitlement. They think the world owes them something and they should be getting it. They have no desire to work hard for anything and assume that if they have a need it will be met.
As a society built on individual freedoms, it is shocking to me how easily we have allowed the government to take them from us. I am not talking about the right to own a gun, practice religion, or free-speech, I am talking about basic life freedom. A hundred years ago the government could not survive without us. We allowed the government to exist because we recognized the need for an organized approach to national security in the global environment and the need for law and order. Now we can't survive without the government. They tell us when to wear seat belts; make us pay extra taxes when we want to do something to ourselves that they deem is dangerous; take a large portion of our pay and spread it out to the "less fortunate" (or too lazy); tell us what we can and can't eat; tell us where we can and can't go; tell us what we can and can't watch on TV, and so on. There is no end in sight for this, we are slowly headed towards a complete socialistic society in which no one can get ahead with extra effort because everybody shares everything. This will surely promulgate mediocrity; drive down desire and patriotism; and eliminate the idea of an "American Dream". If no one can get ahead, why try? If I can't make life better for me and my family because I am willing to put in the extra hours to make more money or start a business why should I?
How can a caring parent fight all these influences with any hope for happiness? Watching the news recently, I am sure you saw the story about the father who posted a video on You Tube where he filled his 15-year old daughter's laptop full of bullets because she posted a letter on Facebook ranting about how her parents made her do chores and expected her to find a job. Like my kids, this fathers daughter is thankless. She does not know what he does for her and assumes she is entitled to the roof over her head; the food in her stomach; the electricity; cable television; wifi; laptop; cellphone; iPod; etc. She isn't! As parents we are legally required to provide for the basic needs of our children and nothing more. We do everything else out of love and out of a hope that our kids will have more than we did.
I watched the news this morning as Dr. Phil proclaimed that although the father in the laptop shooting video was not wrong for taking a drastic step to get the message through to his daughter, he may have gone over the top with this treatment because he has "nowhere else to go from here". "What happens if she doesn't change her behavior, what do you do next, set fire to her bedroom"? Although I think shooting the girls laptop was a bit extreme and posting the video on the Internet for everyone that she knows to see was not the right thing to do, because as a parent you have to set the example of model behavior, I do not agree with Dr. Phil that this was extreme. I feel for the father because I know what he is going through. I am certain that he has used socially acceptable methods of punishment to improve her behavior and I am certain, as in the case with my kids, that she still continues to do what she wants outside and inside the house. Although he is trying hard to get the situation under control, everything she has learned in our society today tells her that she is in the right. The influences of her friends and government supported entitlement far outweigh her father's punishment.
In the end all I can hope is that my kids survive the next few years of their lives without getting mentally or physically harmed. Maybe when they are a little older it will all start to make sense to them and they will snap out of it. When and if that day comes, I will happily send them out into the world knowing that they will survive. But until then I will continue to encourage them; continue to provide guidance; and continue to support them.
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