As parents we have a vision in our minds of what our children will grow to be. Every decision we make; every time we punish; every time we hug; and every ounce of our attention is given in the hopes that our kids will find happiness in life. We enter into parenthood so easily but without really knowing what the job entails. I manage over 100 million dollars in business with over 5,000 employees and nothing is as hard in my work life as parenting has been. The pain that comes with watching a child try something and fail, or not realize a dream tears at your sole. When things don't go the way we envision they should, we start to second guess everything. Should I have noticed an issue earlier; should I have gotten them help earlier; was I too demanding of them; did I treat them fairly? We want for our children what we never had and this is the driving force behind how we parent. No decisions are made for bad reasons, we only ever want good and happiness.
My wife and I have to remember also that for our sons the decisions to do the things that they have done were not made to be mean or with a preconceived idea to hurt us. There decisions and there actions come from the need to feel better inside and to feel better about there lives. I know that they hurt inside, or at least I know that about number 1. He had dreams and desires and when he was in High School nothing would get in his way of those dreams. He changed when he went to college and he came home with a huge gaping hole inside that we have spent the last two-years trying to fill. I fear that number 2 on the other hand has some psychological issues that he has never been willing to deal with. We tried to get him some help on several occasions and it seemed to help but he fought it and we did not push hard enough. We should have pushed.
It doesn't help that today's pot is what it is. I've read articles and seen some news reports about the strength of marijuana these days and what it is doing to our kids, and it is alarming! I know it would be hypocritical of me to take the position that no one should smoke as I used to smoke myself, but something needs to be done. They say pot is not addicting but I have watched as my two sons have pawned there valuables; broken rules and the law to get money; lied, cheated and stolen; and destroyed our family just to get high. Getting high for me was always an extra bonus on Friday or Saturday nights with a few drinks to enhance the fun and that was the way it was for everyone I knew. For them and everyone they know it is a daily need. In number 1's own words, they need to get high to feel normal. It is at the point of epidemic in our town and it seems to be for all of there generation. I routinely see college kids smoking in cars and on corners on college campuses in the middle of the day, before class, etc. It has become a way of life for them and for that reason I think it is different from alcohol. My thinking is that marijuana should be legalized if for no other reason but to control the drugs strength and availability.
When number 2's legal issues started and number 1 failed out of college these were pretty public problems so much of our family and even some friends knew, but we still made efforts to hide the severity of it all. It is embarrassing for these things to happen and you wonder what other people will think. We have close friends who have twin sons who are number 2's age and they have had very similar issues with them both. These are good people with two older kids, a son who went to Harvard on a full scholarship and a daughter who is in Medical school at Duke. This helps me realize that maybe it is not always about how they were brought up. It has been very helpful to write my blog also, because I can write things that I cannot say. It has been very helpful also to have family support from everyone.
I am not a religious person and I think more from a realistic rather than theoretical perspective. I do however believe that everything happens for a reason not because I think that some higher being doles out reward for good behavior like candy, but more because I think making good choices makes you feel better inside and allows the people around you to feel better, and positive thought begets more positive thought. That said, I do believe that in many ways I have enabled my sons to continue to make bad choices. I constantly tried to solve there problems for them, always bailed them out, and rarely followed through on my threats of more severe repercussions. In the end I think good will come from our decision to let them go. One of two things will happen, they will either continue to slide down hill until they hit rock bottom and need my help again or they will use what I taught them for 20-years to survive and eventually thrive. If they come running back I will be there to help but with new rules. If they don't I will be happy that they figured it out.
Number 1 came by today to get his clothes (and shoes, apparently I threw him out without his shoes on). They are staying with a friend and number 2 has been going to school and his new job. Number 1 says he is going to find work so he can pay off his debt and get back on his feet. I hope he does. I feel a little guilty because I have had this huge sense of relief since Sunday. Partially because I finally took a stand against there behavior and also because I don't have to come home everyday to see them wasted while life passes them by. I still worry but it's not staring me in the face and I feel like I am finally moving forward again!
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