The Crying Game!

I am tired of crying.  I believe that I am more emotional than most men because sappy movies get to me, but as an adult I don't believe that I have cried more then ten times because of sadness or joy.  I am 46 years old which means that I have been an adult for 28 years and in those years I cried when each of my kids were born; I cried when both my grandmothers and my grandfather died; I cried when Kim's dad passed; I cried when Kim and I had to give away our Basset Hound Abercrombie and when our Lab Sadie was put down; I cried when both the boys graduated from high school and when we dropped my oldest off at college; and I think those were only times until now.  I've cried more in the past 6-weeks than in those 28-years.

Today I cried while I held my oldest son tight in my arms and told him how much I loved him and how I was so proud of him for asking for help and going to rehab.  I dropped my oldest son off for 5-weeks of inpatient drug and alcohol rehabilitation today and it was one of the hardest days of my life.  I love him so much that it hurts me when he hurts.  When I look at him now I see the little boy he was 15 years ago, so innocent and so lost, and I struggle to understand how we got to this point.  What did I do that caused this to happen?  I am the dad and I am supposed to protect him from this kind of harm.

I have always expected my sons to be good people, to make good decisions, own their mistakes and learn from them, to be honest, and to complete tasks or a job beyond expectations.  These expectations come from good intentions.  I want them to have everything in life that they want and to not struggle to survive and I know that the people in this world who work the hardest, who are the most trustworthy, and who are dedication and committed, are the most successful.  Did I set the bar so high that they could never reach it? 

Thankfully though, It feels like we are all on the road to recovery and I am so grateful for our family who has been here to support us all.  Kristin and Mom, we would not be where we are today without you.  You have been there everyday to help us navigate the red tape and to try to make sense of what has been happening.  Pop and Betty, we know you will always be there for us and having you in our lives means so much to both of us.  And to everyone who helped us get through the holidays, Diane, Bob, Melanie and Scott, Eric and Christina, Eric and Stephanie, Kyle, McKay, Taylor, Alex, Madison, thank you all so much!  You made a very difficult time bearable!

I had to get somethings off my chest tonight so I know today's blog is nothing short of depressing.  The old me that liked to find the funny in life and write about it is still here and a day will come shortly when I am able to write blog posts that are "the old me", but for now thank you for listening to my dark side!