The Hardest Day of My Life as Father

Nothing prepares you for this! There is no class or education; no online course or adult learning offered by the town; and no books or magazines. The day that your child is born is the most incredible day of your life and from that day forward you live in almost constant fear that the decisions that you are making while you raise that child will be the wrong decisions. You second guess everything you do and you constantly hope that your child will be okay. When my eldest son graduated from High School, he was full of opportunity, ambition, and hope. As this was the first child of ours to graduate, I was full of fear of the unknown for him; trepidation because I did not know if he was ready for the world; and in some ways, satisfaction because I felt I had raised a good and honest young man.

On that day I gave him a letter that I had written to tell him how proud I was of him. I wanted him to know how hard it is to be a father and that I was hopeful that even though I had made mistakes, in my mind he was prepared to be a man. I reread that letter this morning after what was the most difficult day as a father of my life and I want to share some of it now.

"I remember when you finally came into this world, the Doctor was concerned about your breathing, so we didn’t get to hold you right away. I was afraid for you in that brief moment while we waited for them to check you out and give you a thumbs-up. Then you were ours! Your mother held you and wept. Then she called grandma and couldn’t speak so she put me on the phone to tell her that you had arrived and that everyone was okay.

It was early morning and the sun was shining, it was a beautiful winter day. I could not stay with you and mom anymore so I got in my car and drove home. I got about two miles from the hospital and this overwhelming sense of relieve and joy overcame me at that moment. I started to cry. I cried because I was so happy that you and mom were okay; I cried because I was relieved; I cried because I was excited about watching you grow up; I cried because the built up anticipation of that moment was too much for me to bear. You were here! The people in passing cars stared at me; they must have thought that I was a nut case.

In my opinion, that is the moment in my life when I became a man. Having a new born baby is a huge responsibility and it causes you to look at life differently. I became more serious, more driven, more focused on my career. I wanted more than anything else to be able to provide for you and mom and to be able to give you everything in life. They say that life’s lessons never stop. I have learned so much because I became a father. There is no rule book, no instruction book, and no code of behavior. You have to learn on the fly and I learned by trial and error. I made tons of mistakes and I got some things right, but you have become the man that I wanted you to become and I am so proud of you!"

In that letter I gave him a long list of life's little instructions. Things that people don't tell you or that you can easily forget; things that are important in life and how to handle yourself as an adult. To say the very least I was hopeful and optimistic about him although still concerned as a father. I closed the letter to him with the following:

"As I put this list together I realized that you may not understand some of this advice because it’s not relevant to you now. Times will come in your life when items on this list will become relevant and I am hopeful that you will refer back to these things for guidance. I’ve accepted that you need me less and less these days, but always remember that I will be there for you if you need me.

On August 16, 2009 you will leave our home for the first time and live on your own. It has been hard for me to accept that the past 18 years have gone by so fast and that you are now an adult. I am scared that the world will overwhelm you and that I have not prepared you well enough, but I think these fears are natural. Deep down in my heart I know how strong you are and I know how prepared you are for life.

Attack life with reckless abandon and leave your mark on the world!"

When my second son graduated from High School this past June I gave him a similar letter. I am not foolish enough to think that my letters, words, discussions, guidance, direction, and general parenting would always keep them from harm or provide them with the sense to always do the right thing. People make mistakes and I make mistakes, I can't control the decisions that they make when I am not around nor can I control how other people impact them. Nevertheless, I have always remained optimistic that the way I raised them would guide them towards making good decisions or at least help them learn from the mistakes that they make.

In both the letters to my sons I told them that I would always be there for them. Yesterday I had to break that promise because I had to ask them to leave my house. Their behavior has had serious and detrimental impact on me, my wife, my daughter, our jobs, and our lives. I still don't know for sure and I may never know if I've made the right decision.  

Two years ago my eldest son went off to college and my wife and I were gleaming with hope and pride. Today he has a serious drug problem; he is unemployed; he has no direction in life or desire to do anything productive with himself; he is as lost today as he was when he was two-years old. Now it has come to light that his younger brother is not only as deep into the drugs (and possibly deeper), but he may in fact be the driving force behind his brothers inability to get himself straight. Number 2 has always been the leader and number 1 follows him through everything. While we were working with number 1 to try to get him straight, number 2 was sabotaging our efforts.

We have been told that they have to reach rock bottom before they will make a change. After the incident yesterday with the boys and after I kicked them out, we called the police to insure that they had some record of the issue and that they could keep an eye out for them. As I explained to the trooper everything that we have done to try to help the boys, rehab, legal help, counseling, environmental control, etc., he assured my wife and I that we had exhausted our options and that we probably allowed the behavior to go on too long before finally taking a more drastic step. He also said that maybe being without a place to life, food, or money will be enough to force a change in their behavior. I still think even though they now have no place to live two-weeks before Christmas that they are a long way from rock-bottom.  None of the support is reassuring.

To this day neither one of them thinks that anything is wrong! They think the drug use is no big deal and that even society deems smoking Marijuana as a minor infraction. If they get caught they will just get a ticket (as number 2 puts it)! What they don't see is that for both of them it is not recreational use, it has become a way of life. Number 1 has spent every penny he has made over the last two-years on drugs and alcohol. They both get stoned everyday, not to have fun or to party but to get through the day. They continue to bring drugs into my house even though I have told them that they will not be allowed to live here if they continue to break the rules. I have even threatened to call the police to have them arrested when they are in possession.

They don't see what this has done to our family and I need to protect my wife, daughter and I. I have no idea what the next few days or weeks will bring for us. I am hopeful that this step is the start of a new positive beginning for them both, but I am more concerned that rock bottom doesn't hit until one of them is dead or in jail.